Confidence

Sister Maria Crucis Garcia, RSM

I am from Aurora, Colorado; however, after living in Littleton, Colorado for many years I also claim it as my hometown.

I had a winding path to my vocation.  I first thought of being a Sister during 3rd or 4th grade, but the thought seemed to come and go.  The next time I thought I might have a vocation was in highschool.  I attended a Steubenville of the Rockies conference.  This was the first time that the Lord clearly called me to be His.  Towards the end of Adoration, after a long time of silently gazing at Him in the Blessed Sacrament, I heard in my heart, “Will you be my bride?”  I was silent for a while.  Then the question was repeated.  “Will you be my bride?”  “Yes,” I thought.

Soon after I came across a Vision magazine.  It contained numerous religious communities in it.  I began to pursue possibilities; taking note of communities I was drawn to.  Very quickly I realized I was not called to the cloister!  

I was initially drawn to a different community and, after visiting them several times over several years, the thought of becoming a sister faded again for a while.  After a few years of college the thought returned.  I was blessed with a wonderful spiritual director who helped me to deepen my relationship with Jesus and helped me with my discernment.  Eventually I entered that community.  Very soon I began to feel like it was not the ‘right fit’ for me.  After leaving, and returning to Littleton, Colorado, I contacted my spiritual director.  He arranged a lunch with Sister Esther Mary, RSM, himself, and me.  

The lunch was the first time I met a Sister from our community.  It was a beautiful lunch and I left with a book that contained CMSWR communities and a pamphlet about our community. 

Little by little I learned about our community and I loved everything that I learned.  Eventually I called and asked if I could join the Sisters for Holy Hour.  I started to go a little more regularly.  Then I received the best invitation, “Would you like to visit our Motherhouse?”  “YES!”

When I arrived in Alma, Michigan it felt like I was home.  There was so much peace!  Yet, I was hesitant.  I did not want to make a mistake in entering the ‘wrong’ place again.  I decided to pray a Rosary for clarity.  I nearly finished the Rosary when, in a very motherly moment, Our Blessed Mother smacked me on the back of the head and told me, “You don’t need clarity, you need courage!” 

Everything that I had learned about our community to that point came rushing back into my mind and I knew I needed to take the next step.  Soon after I met with the vocation directress and learned the next steps.  I entered our community in 2013.  

Since there have been ups and downs in the challenging and grace filled work of formation.  However, it ever remains the right place.  I am filled with gratitude for all the graces, love, and experiences throughout my formation and pray for the grace of continued conversion and faithful perseverance.  May Our Blessed Mother continue to give me courage to live my call to religious life faithfully with confidence in His loving providence!  Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum!

The first part of the motto that was clear to me was “In the shadow of His wings.”  This phrase has jumped out at me frequently throughout my life.  It always pointed me to the Cross.  I asked Mother Mary Timothea for insights to the phrase.  She explained that it referred to several things including God’s protective care and the mercy seat on the arc of the covenant.  On top of the arc of the covenant were two cherubim that faced each other with their wings almost meeting.  Underneath their wings is the mercy seat.  This is where the sacrificial blood was sprinkled once a year on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement).  This was fulfilled in the new covenant of Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross, which speaks more eloquently than the blood of Abel (cf Hebrews 12:24).  

The second part of the motto that came to mind was “En los corazones de Jesus y Maria,” which is Spanish for “in the hearts of Jesus and Mary.”  The Hearts of Jesus and Mary have been very present to me throughout my life, especially at key times!  There are so many examples! From my discernment (my spiritual director is a Disciples of the Hearts of Jesus and Mary) to various assignments that I have had.  I chose to express it in Spanish as an ode to my Hispanic heritage.  

For some time, I agonized whether to choose “In the shadow of His wings” or “En los corazones de Jesus y Maria.”  However, one day it dawned on me after looking at the miraculous medal.  I can have both!  The cross encompasses the “shadow of His wings” and the two hearts are there too.  I was thrilled.  The Miraculous Medal had also become important to me after my mom sent me several after her trip to Fatima.  As I gave them to various people that I encountered I saw them give hope and reawaken faith in many people.  That is why it is lighter in the center - darkness is being vanquished. 

Our Lady of Guadalupe was, in truth, the first part of my profession card that I knew.  I have always loved her!  That love grew even more during our very blessed pilgrimage to Mexico City!  As I recently contemplated Our Lady of Guadalupe the Lord’s simplicity stood out to me.  With all of the ornate aspects throughout the tilma, the one that represents the Lord’s presence is a simple four petal flower.  His is not in the “earthquake or the fire. . . but the whisper” (cf. 1 Kings 19).  She is my Mother.   And she is here with me - always.  Her beautiful name fills me with joy, confidence, and assurance of her timely help.  

The next aspect that I discovered was my scriptural reference.  In addition to sharing the various meanings of “In the Shadow of His wings” Mother Mary Timothea shared numerous scripture verses in which it could be found.  As I prayed with them I found myself drawn to Psalm 91.  As I continued to pray with it I fell in love with it more and more.  The pestilence, destruction, famine, etc listed in the psalm sum up all the miseries of man that are begging for the Mercy of God - in which we are called to be the convergence point.  The confidence of standing strong with faith amid the ‘thousands falling to your right and left’ is quite the image!  The final stanza sums up my desire.  I wish to “cleave to Him in love” and, please God, He will “show me His salvation.”

What will draw all this together? For almost a month it felt like something was missing, but what?

A word… 

‘Confidence’ was the last part that I discovered.  Once it came to mind I began to see it everywhere and knew more and more that it was perfect!  I love the line in Mother McAuley’s Suscipe “...lively, unlimited confidence…”  I also love the root of the word.  ‘Con’ and ‘fide’; which means ‘with’ ‘faith.’  My Mother, My Confidence is a beautiful, simple, and efficacious prayer that Sr Mary Kathleen shared with me.  Psalm 91:2 “Trust” is translated in my Spanish Bible as “Confianza.”  Ultimately it draws me to “approach the throne with confidence for timely help” (Hebrews 4:16). Hebrews 4:16 happened to be one of the seven mottos that came and went . . . as it turns out, Confidence in the shadow of His wings and en los corazones de Jesus y Maria encompasses all 7 mottos! Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!  My Mother, my Confidence, pray for us!